welcome to the fabulous dry heaves web page. there are an awlfu lot of terrible songs you can download here, but most of them are mixed really badly, because we recorded them on a toy from radioshak and then dave got really drunk when he transferred them to digital and fucked up all the levels. he really isn't all that bright to begin with, so sometimes generous application of alcohol is a good thing, but not this time. nope, you reap the benefits of his dull efforts. go ahead, reap. we can wait all day.
The band actually started in '84 with dave [the guy who started this page] ted [a guy who works in a grocery store and loves to be crank called...by the way, his number is...{insert ted's number, maybe leave off the last digit so they have to guess} and he is not very big, so you don't have to worry about him kicking your ass or anything] and a skinny little doofus named todd. todd used to have the best collection of pornography that I have ever seen, [and I have seen a few, believe me] but I haven't checked recently...he might have let it slide since he got a dog...you know, got all domestic and shit. Anyway, these three guys got all inspired by the DIY sounds of bands like the minutemen, but not actually inspired enough to not suck when they played at parties and shit. They went on sucking for a bunch of years, playing with different people and basically just making fun of the redneck losers that they grew up with [you think the clash were bored with the usa? shit, they've never even BEEN to Jewett City.] and not getting any better musically.
I entered the picture somewhere like 87. I was a freshman in college for like the third year in a row, and had spent a bunch of pell grants on amplifiers and guitars and stuff. I think they were initially driven to contact me because I had equipment, but couldn't play it well enough to break their streak of being the worst band ever. Although they lied to me and told me it was cause I was cool, and I was dumb enough to believe them. So I started playing with them, and it was really bad. I used to quit after every show because we never practice and we never play the same thing twice, and it was getting hard for me to find small breasted waif girls to hook up with when the band was around. They bring out the worst in me, and then call it "Mark Drunk," like it was even remotely my fault. So we sucked for a long time, and got mentioned in spin magazine's [can we mention them without getting sued? even if I think they suck now and read bikini instead?] yeah, we were one of one hundred bands mentioned in Spin's worst band in america contest cause we like cheese a lot, even though it makes snot...so, we got mentioned in Spin, the one with perry farrell's other band on the cover [you know], and we were kind of disappointed because we didn't win. The best part was that Ted was long gone by now, working in the grocery, and riding ATV's. Honestly, it is our considered opinion that we suck at least as much as anyone out there...and when you factor in how long we have been together without getting better...we suck worse... and then just when we thought things couldn't get any suckier, we met Bob.
He had a lot of piercings, and as I recall, a pretty cute girlfriend, but I might be mistaken. He also had a nice drumset that hardly ever broke like the ones we were using and he was pretty nice to hang out with. After hanging out with dave and todd, just about anyone is pretty nice to hang out with, but bob, even moreso. He had some cool finger tip problems that brought a little drama into the band but I will let him tell you about them, or you can just call ted. [not that he knows, but you can call him anyway.] and suddenly, we sucked inconsistantly.
It was like sometimes we were almost as good as any shitty punk band on a given night, and some other times we were just as awful as people were used to hearing us be. We now refer to those days as the golden years, even though it wasn't like years, more like a couple months...but most people don't get it when you say the golden couple of months...they look at you like your crazy.
So, then get this...we rush ahead to a couple years ago...dave has a crappy little website going that has some of our stuff on it but can't register the domain name, so if you do a search, you get some OTHER band that has the audacity to call themselves the dry heaves. I think they are from canada, or new york or something, so they can CLAIM they never heard of us, but we know better...and now, so do you... So this other band obviously practices and tries to get better and has a little record out and that is pretty cool for them, and eventually for us, because we want them to get really famous so we can sue them and get all parasitic on their hard-earned notariety. So make these other guys famous for us, OK? you can find a review of their fabulous record here: THEdryheaves.com and as a discerning music fan, I can honestly tell you it is great and that you should buy it, and hurry up and make them famous. But don't tell them about us, OK? It'll be our little secret. there is another band called Dry Heave, [like leaving off the "s" will protect them from our lawyer, right?] and we might sue them, but they are van halen fans, even with sammy hager, so we don't want them to be famous...we just want them to die.
Anyway, thats about all for now. Enjoy the music and try not to suck.
Other people:
Ken Knight: His house is where Dry Heaves first played, the only music we played was a stuffed rabbit that played one little unknown crap tune. Ken left the group to become a C.P.A.
Jim Wombolt: An early key player. It was his idea to expand our set list by singing over classical records on the wrong speed. Jim left to go like Bruce Springsteen.
Rob Rega: Joined after Dave went AWOL. He liked to play with a bag over his head so that it wouldn't ruin his chances with the ladies. Rob left us for IBM.
Rick Gerish: A member the same time as Rob. An avid fan of utter crap, he helped keep the Dry Heaves going. He went on to be a landlord.
Terry Kostic: Our first fan which explains why she changed her name and disappeared.
Zach Flynn: The first real drummer. He almost nearly pulled us out of the toilet. He went on to get married.
Andy Peters: Our first harmonica player and a fantastic host. We played at his house more than anywhere else ever,usually lowering the property value.(Sorry and thanks Andy.) He moved up north somewhere to do something.
These are people who played with us at least once......and then smartened up:
The Colonel
Big Red
Anne Marie Newport ( I guess she didn't smarten up huh?)
Steve Tracy
Steve Swan
Charlie Butro
Bob Bingell
Dave Walsh
Jim Smith
Jason Womble ( Ya happy now Jason?!)
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